I know that it’s hard right now.
Since you brought me into the world a few weeks ago, both of our lives have been completely turned upside down. There has been so much to learn and sleep has been so scarce. I know how very tired you are and how some days feel exhausting and overwhelming. I wish I had the words to say how deeply grateful I am that you are hanging in there. I wish too, that I could tell you what I need. It would be so much easier if I could talk. One day I will be able to use my words to tell you how I feel. While we wait for those days, though, maybe this letter will help you understand me and how I feel about you.
Firstly, my body clock is all over the place and I don’t know how to get myself to sleep. I need a little help. Some days I’m just so darn tired but its hard for me to shut my mind down. Do you ever feel so tired that all you can do is cry? That’s me too. I wish I had the words to tell you how big the world is and what I need, but all I can do at the moment is cry. I know you worry that you don’t always know what to do to help me stop crying but when I see you trying to work it out and thinking about me and what I need, my heart fills with love for you. When I cry, it draws you closer to me and the feeling of being in your arms makes everything around me feel safer. I know it might not feel like it right now but, I promise you, the crying won’t last forever. In a few weeks I’ll be able to move my facial muscles and smile at you. I can’t wait to see the look on your face when I do. It’s my way of saying I love you.
Everything around me is so new, different and also exciting. Actually, some days it’s really overwhelming. I’m still getting used to all these new sounds; the feel of sunlight on my skin, and the heaviness of being outside of your warm body. Yesterday a breeze blew across my face and it was such a strange sensation all I could think to do was cry. It kind of freaked me out. And don’t get me started on this whole nappy situation.
The only thing familiar to me is you. I listened to you when I was growing in your tummy, your voice is more familiar to me than my own heart beat. Yesterday you sang to me and oh, the sweet sound of your voice made something in my spirit soften. I watched your lips so closely as you made those sounds. Your eyes met mine and when you smiled at me I longed to smile back and tell you how much I love you. I think you need to know that. I promise those days will be soon, Mummy, soon.
While I think of it, thank you so much for trying to feed me. It’s quite tricky this breastfeeding business isn’t it? I really appreciate it that you keep trying. I think we will get there eventually. If it doesn’t work out though, and you need to feed me another way, I want you to know that that’s ok. I just really love being in your arms when you’re feeding me and the special time we have together is what I will remember. The way you feed me is really not going to be that important in the long run.
Mummy, I know it’s hard right now. We’ve really only just met and there’s so much to work out about each other. I heard you crying today and I felt so sad. I don’t want you to feel bad and feel like you’re no good at this. You’re already so good at this, you just don’t know it yet. You need to trust yourself more and not worry about what everyone else is doing or what the books say. The day you brought me into the world was one of the most special days of my life. I probably won’t remember it by the time I can talk but I know in my heart it was the beginning of our relationship. The beginning of us. It was the day I fell head-over-heels in love with you.
Because I do love you Mum, with every part of my being. You are my whole world, my universe, my everything. One day I will be able to tell you, but for now I hope this letter is enough.
c. Leisa Stathis
This blog post was appeared on www.leisastathis.com.au and is reprinted with the permission of the author. Leisa Stathis is a qualified social worker and family therapist. She is the author of Becoming a Mother.