Our guest today on our blog is author Louise Gabriel, who chats to us about how she changed her life by changing her focus. Louise is the author of Unsingle: The art and science of finding true love. She wants everyone to know that there is NOT a random love god out there bestowing favours on a lucky few. If you want true love, you can find it by using neuroscience to change what you focus your attention on.
Welcome Louise. Thanks for joining us today. Can you tell us about your journey from single to card-carrying member of Team Love?
Hi Laura, it’s lovely to be here. There is nothing wrong with being single – if that’s what you want to be. If you don’t, it can feel like a life sentence for a crime you didn’t commit. My feelings of being alone – that true love was a magical faraway land that only some lucky people got to visit for which I didn’t have the visa – were affecting my life and my general happiness. And I think a lot of “single and sick of its’” feel the same way.
The minute I realised that the “love and relationships” file in my brain was working against me and was full of conflicting information — marriage meltdowns of the rich and famous; romantic problems of friends and people I vaguely knew; personal disappointments from relationships past — I knew a major renovation was called for. If my brain was constantly rewiring based on what I gave my attention to, I was going to use this amazing ability to my advantage. My love zone was going to start working for me. I had a tool, and boy was I going to use it. Neuroplasticity was about to become my best friend.
Rewiring my brain was like joining the gym. You initially think ‘this is going to hurt but will be worth it’, and then you’re surprised to find that you actually enjoy it. I started having fun straight away. Detoxing from negative love inputs (such as books about train crash relationships, magazine articles on divorce scandals, endless discussions with friends on what needs weren’t being met) and focusing on the sunnier side of the street love-wise changed me. My anxiety lifted, and I started to feel different. The inherent stress of wanting something desperately while simultaneously being terrified of it stopped pulling me in two opposing directions. The confusion went away and something in me quietened. Signing up for Team Love was the smartest thing I ever did.
Find out more about Louise’s book Unsingle here.